fierce times + open hands

by Tania Zimmer in ,

// today. 

with these little humans i live with... 

we talked about receiving. and as always, what it looks like when we are anticipating and waiting for those things that we want so badly that we feel it to the deepest of our core. we all looked at our hands, frequently on this day that needed frequent observation and pause. 

 and we watched as the magic of waiting began to unfold,...... watching, with our hands open...its pretty vulnerable. you could be rejected? you could not get that ribbon that you wanted and asked in your most vulnerable way. it is VULNERABLE to ask and wait with open hands....

for our sister, our lovely friend to notice and see, that little tired probably teething ball of energy was trying her bestest to receive that silk.... so she effortlessly, simply dropped the scarf in her little hands. today isn't the first day we talked about our lovely receiving hands. of wanting things and how different it feels from taking and grabbing, what it might look like if we waited for our friend to put it in our hands when they are ready or finished with whatever thing/clothing/pieceoflint/hairtye/feather/pen  but it's the most important thing at that very moment. right now. right here .// i get it. this is their work. they aren't fighting to spite me. many, if not pretty much most days they interact amazingly. they are humans that have developing brains and developing habits. 

//so much in childhood is about relationships and experiences. today was a true testament to my ability to sustain my relationship as an 'adult' and not break out in my freak out in the 'i've had it with the nonstop tiny voices of constant revolt against every little thing sister 1 and sister 2 and vice versa have done to this that and the other and want to lock myself in the bathroom and pretend i'm pooping for 3 hours until dad is home so that i get some piece and quiet' type. BUT. i had to push that inner child/rebellion "Oh you're back here again, hello my friend" and model.   model patience and be supportive to the fierce engagement that was practically non stop from the moment i picked them up from school. i failed around 5pm. i heard my voice from the kitchen whip out and say in the 'typical mom is fucking over it voice: GUYS! its just napkins, can't you use another one Amaiiiiiiiiiia! *exasperated squeal* immediately judging myself and shitting on myself about how that was annoying, loud, obnoxious, and i'm tired its been a long day and i should have gone and done a little 5 minute time out while they yelled, but someone could have pulled someone's hair out .......bljksdhkufgkdfj.............. 

but then i started again. it is possible. it is not easy. it takes strength and courage. it takes commitment to awareness. but it is possible. i came to eye level. i used yoga breathing WITH BOTH of them, instantly. we were all back in the room. i had them close their eyes, and visualize a big pool and glittery blue water, and etc etc retrospect, the fight over 'the glittery napkin', or who gets to 'smell my coconut oolong tea', or who gets to 'listen to each other's stories' first is a drop in the big ass bucket.... this conflict resolution time is priceless. my learning curve, my own awareness of buttons being pushed, thanking them currently as they sleep away for the gifts they keep on giving - on confronting my vulnerabilities and finding courage to be the human being i want to be and seeing the effects of that imprint onto them, wise little souls they are. as our relationships together will ebb and flow in these imperfect moments that when faced with vulnerability, courage and reflection can most certainly impact in ways for us all. i believe that. 

// i needed to also have a refresher of opening my own two hands, and allowing for whatever i have worked for, whatever i have looked to have in my life, to come into my life. not wishfully, not judgingly or unrealistically. but opening the channels in my physical body allows me to step back and see what is a priority. to receive. it is hard to realize where we store things in our body, how we can be furiously working for something and not notice the tension, and the closed circuit of energy that begins to go round and round and round. stop. breath. open palms, receive. i am undoubtedly in awe of the things that come my way when i do this. magic. magic hands. receiving hands as i say to these two hurricanes. 

opening my hands to my children, to say come here - i am your mother, i am human, i am vulnerable, i make mistakes, but i am here - with you, every step, i am open to all your feelings and accept for all that you are, for you are more than these things you are going through right now... as am i. 

opening my hands to invite, opening my hands to give gratitude, opening my hands to just being open. opening my hands to my head, and resting my forehead - for my limitations are manifestations in my head that i fixate on, and my hands are there to hold this stubborn head of mine, and to lovingly say 'another day, another wonderful opportunity' 

and the beauty of childhood : these kids don't ever hold onto that burning coal. what love truly means. seconds after such tumultuous torture, they love each other again. 


p.s. i haven't blogged on here for almost a year. i've been gone on my photography page and also in yoga work. i plan on coming here for me. and hoping they all intersect in some sane way.