happy second birthday my buddha baby. my sweet veda, i've met you for only 3 years and the love i have for you is greater than your little body can handle.
last night the moon was so bright. a lunar eclipse to happen this evening, and it reminded me of the night before you were born, how i was in this dreamy state, looking at the stars and moon while i spent hours walking kailua beach across the street from our little two bedroom house in kailua. your sister and dad were sleeping and i felt these waves of power for the last few weeks more rhythmically. i got home and drifted in and out of sleep, listening to these self affirming hypnosis tracks... i also wrote something in my notes app on my phone at 541am (i have 24hr time set on my phone) and i don't remember even doing it. i kept reading it all night as if i was in some sort of trance.
i think around 4 am i texted our midwife and said 'mayyybe i'm in labor, i don't know, just a heads up' at this point we were 41 weeks to the day. that night was pretty powerful in that i loved every single wave of contraction that came over me. i tried to fall asleep by 6am because i thought i would be very tired with your older sister come the time she wakes.
our midwife decided to come and sleep on our couch, as she had come from another birth and was in town, instead of driving back up to the north shore where she lived.
i woke up later on that morning.. and felt great. waves had stopped. and i thought maybe you were just doing more work like you had the last few weeks and needed a break. but i could tell you would be here soon, because we were working pretty consistently that night. you had many people wondering about you the night before. there was a connection of mothers, wearing our umbilical cord string from the blessing way we had, and lighting candles and sending out energy. i had good friends who sensed when you were coming. good friends who texted me throughout the night wondering how we were.
some of the great mamas that were such positive people during my pregnancy.
your sister and your dad went on our favorite hike in kaneohe. one that i've sat with you many times for some peace and quiet.
we decided that morning to have some breakfast, our midwife made some eggs, rice and salmon. we ate. we also decided to check me. i loved that she didn't tell me anything, and also didn't seem like anything was happening. just a 'maybe something was happening, maybe not'. from the way things were, and how i was feeling i didn't know we were going to meet you very soon. my amazing friend kaela suggested i walk. our midwife suggested i walk. we go to the beach. the road was busy with parked cars because a run was happening in kailua. we cross the street and i'm back on the sand by the ocean. the sound of the waves calms me, the water by my feet ground me.
we walk a long kailua beach, we talk about every day things. we laugh about women bouncing to get contractions going. so we decided to jog, then once in a while i would hop. then i would feel contractions from that and stop or walk. then after that we both would slide into the water and float. we talked about how great it is for us to be swimming and floating around, at least if i wasn't in labor we got to relax on this gorgeous morning. it was the perfect day for you to be born. kailua beach was unusually calm, crystal clear and amazing that day. i wish i had photos to show you how we labored - but i didn't know then that this is what we were doing. after walking/hopping/jogging about a mile, we turned back and did the same thing. it started to get intense because we stopping a lot for those contractions. i felt a majority of them floating in the water with the waves coming and going just like what was happening with you and me. that cold water felt amazing and numbing and refreshing all at once. we decided maybe it was time to walk back to the house and take a shower, maybe nap. but i had a hard time walking back because i had to stop every few minutes.. once at the tent where people sign in for their run, and by the speakers of blaring music. it was pretty funny to see people walk by looking at us and wondering what was going on with this lady in a bikini and crouching with her baby belly. we make it back to the house. i shower. our midwife brings in this wooden birthing stool and it felt really good to sit on it. she checked me and laughed that i was 9 centimeters. and i laughed and was in disbelief. there was no way i would be laughing and walking at 9 centimeters! she calls her assistant, who comes over and is just the sweetest, kindest woman. here i was, with 2 amazing strong women, and me sitting on the birthing stool. we decided against filling up the birth tub, hot water seemed awful to me, after floating for a couple hours in the cool ocean. i think at some point i had to pee, and i was alone for a bit. that was when it started to get intense, and it reminded me of a moment that your sister and i had when she was in labor and i started to panic a little bit because i thought oh no, this is the start of a labor and i don't think i could handle it. little did i know that right when i felt that intensity, you would be born 45 minutes later, on our bed, and me holding your huge squishy 9 lb body, with your sister and dad getting home just as you were crowning. we had the most amazing experience, you worked so hard and so patiently to come into the world, we had this peaceful, painless, very intense birth. your shoulders were kind of stuck a certain way which probably made me feel some intensity but our amazing midwife knew how to help position me, and to pendulum push on your shoulders so that you slid out after that. during the pushing and 'ring of fire' parts, we joked about how could women laugh through labor (we had a conversation earlier about a woman who was laughing during pushing) and we all literally in that room were laughing out loud. through it i realized how ridiculous it sounded and was actually laughing during our pushes, but it was immensely helpful. instead of closing in and screaming through that intensity, we laughed it out. we actually ended up laughing through the intense parts and these women were amazingly helpful, amazingly respectful, amazingly supportive, and amazingly loving.
i was mystified at what my body was able to do, and what you were able to do with the peace and trust that you needed. our quiet and private experience, that was ours. the gift that was given to you and i to be able to experience our meeting with the respect and love that was needed.
you didn't open your eyes for half the day... you didn't even cry. you nursed and slept. and the next day you opened your eyes, and i saw your blue eyes and your surreal calm and peaceful presence. you never really cried the first 6 months of your life. you melted into our lives and day to day, you rolled with our busy moments with your sister when she was 2 years old. i carried you everywhere on my back and my heart. and now you walk and explore the world so much older than when you were in my belly and in my arms.
SO TODAY, on your second birthday, us girls went to have breakfast on the beach, here in gig harbor, before we dropped of your sister at school. the weather has been amazing, but it was beautifully foggy down by the water. we went anyway. and magically we spent about 20 minutes listening to boats communicating to each other in the fog, and a school of dolphins swimming less than 30 feet away from us. YES. DOPLHINS. it was AMAZING. they came for you :) i didn't capture it because i was in such amazement. and you stopped on the way back to the car, and we couldn't get you to come up... we discovered you happened upon 2 bunnies. pretty magical morning.